The Slave Within

There is no form of writing about kink that something that shows great self-awareness:

To illustrate the importance of this concept, I have a story (I’m sorry, M, for using this story over and over, but this experience went so far in helping me resolve the many submissive paradoxes, and I want you to know I dearly appreciate that). When I was M’s slave, there was one time when she asked me to do something, and I replied, “is that an order?” I wanted it to be an order; it’s deeply sexy to me to be controlled and forced to do things whether I want to or not. She replied (heavy paraphrase), “I don’t want to order you to do this, I just want you to do it.” She had her own reasons for saying this and her own powerful needs, and believe me, I don’t intend to belittle them.

I want to think of myself as a generous person, but I’m not a submissive out of generosity. I’m a submissive because it’s hot to me and fills deep needs that can’t be satisfied any other way. Part of that submissiveness (I don’t know how big a part) is wanting to feel controlled, just as part of being in love is needing to be loved (which I also need). And if I’m in a relationship, even a power exchange relationship, and I’m not getting what I need, then I must change something.

But how do you beg/manipulate/negotiate/magically summon control from someone who wants to control you, but has their own needs they’re trying to meet with that run not-quite-parallel to directly controlling you?

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The Slave Within

Originally posted 2007-09-02 12:15:15. Republished by Blog Post Promoter